I turn 31 in less than two months. This year moved rather very quickly despite the efforts to slow myself down. It was as eventful as any other year but with novelty on its plate. There were many firsts - closing on a house to purchase (sponsored by my parents) and spend the next few years in, an operation (even though a minor one) for a dislodged kidney stone, promotion at work, hosting the parents at my place, experiencing a semblance of calm at work and travelling amidst clouds (in Araku Valley). There was also letting go of many exhausting and unnecessary goals and deepening some friendships (the most delightful thing from the year).
The lessons from recent times will hit home when the time is right. But there have been some from the previous year which have set the tone for the times ahead. I had the opportunity to share these with my team a few weeks ago. And more importantly, to articulate them well, instead of just letting them churn in my head.
Awareness of privileges, heightened
The Teach for India Fellowship made me very aware of my privileges but even as I have spent more years living, I see my privileges get compounded. Being born into a dominant gender, dominant religion, dominant caste, able bodied, access to learning and earning opportunities (even from the safety of home), having the luxury of being born with non intrusive parents, having my loved ones alive and able bodied too. And even living in a democratic country which is not in an active war with another state. Being able to not worry about almost anything, I have also taken a step to make time for spiritual experiences, and in turn, am able to take care of my mental health well. Recently, during a conversation with a friend, I also realised that I was the pampered one among the two siblings and that must have bolstered my confidence early in life. Today, I live a healthy, happy, secure life.
Efficiency vs Productivity
I have worked in startups or in a startup environment almost all my professional life. Compound it with the typical culture in Indian organisations (non profit or profit making) where everything is urgent and important. In these years, while I have learnt immensely, something that I ended up also building up an unhealthy state of being constantly active, not at rest, at work and even outside. When I was finally able to unlearn it - after getting repeatedly burned out - I was able to make room for creativity in my work. There was a splurge of Ideas, opportunities to learn more and showcase abilities [across different communication channels at my end]. I realised that breaks are good and a must.
Less is more
Working at iTeach Schools exposed me to the idea of vision and goals. And I set that for my whole life and overdid it. There were innumerable goals for my health, relationships, work, hobbies, finances for the last few years. It did not work out and like I said, I burned myself out.
The awareness was liberating, and a precursor to more peaceful living. To my mild surprise, letting go of so many unimportant things did not affect my well being and happiness, rather bolstered it. Today, I am able to attend to more heartwarming activities like writing, spending time outside home (essential since I work remotely) and most importantly, spending more time laughing, cooking, and conversing with friends.
Being comfortable with my body
High and unrealistic standards of what good looks mean and what I should be constantly working towards, has been in my mind for a really long time. Content available in all forms and sizes did not help nor did a bit of bullying as well. Everywhere there were, and continue to be, chiselled bodies on display. Through spiritual experiences and learnings that followed, and constantly reiterating these lessons to myself, I have been able to step forward towards accepting my body’s shape and size and only worry about the consistency in nutrition and exercise. The journey continues.
Less is more - in friendships too
Letting go of friends who do not put an effort at all in the relationship or have drifted away on their own paths, was a lesson hard learned. There were some relationships that were incredibly heart filling and warm but that was only due to proximity or because our student lives were simpler. But times, people, circumstances, and priorities change. There are a few friends who have chosen to stay and my focus is to now nurture those.
Love vs Attachment
I believe that love is the centre of our lives like the mighty sun in the solar system. The concept has been of extreme fascination for me. What constitutes love, how does it start, do you ever stop loving a person, how to forgive people you are/ were in love with, how to make more room for love. I am always on a lookout for the elusive answers, but one thing I have understood is how attachment is not love. Letting go [of your wants, expectations, hurt from the other person and still holding the fort] is deep love. Acknowledgement and acceptance of others, their experiences and choices, is love. Taking care of yourself is the most important service or act of love to others. My parents are the shining example of it. Despite our differences in approaches to living life, choices about work, relationships, and especially with my orientation, they stand by me.
My heart is full as I think of the community that I have nurtured for myself. They hold immense love for me. I am grateful to them and to the time & opportunities that I have to experience, learn and live well.
