Coming of Age, at 30

I turn 31 in less than two months. This year moved rather very quickly despite the efforts to slow myself down. It was as eventful as any other year but with novelty on its plate. There were many firsts - closing on a house to purchase (sponsored by my parents) and spend the next few years in, an operation (even though a minor one) for a dislodged kidney stone, promotion at work, hosting the parents at my place, experiencing a semblance of calm at work and travelling amidst clouds (in Araku Valley). There was also letting go of many exhausting and unnecessary goals and deepening some friendships (the most delightful thing from the year). 

The lessons from recent times will hit home when the time is right. But there have been some from the previous year which have set the tone for the times ahead. I had the opportunity to share these with my team a few weeks ago. And more importantly, to articulate them well, instead of just letting them churn in my head. 

Awareness of privileges, heightened

The Teach for India Fellowship made me very aware of my privileges but even as I have spent more years living, I see my privileges get compounded. Being born into a dominant gender, dominant religion, dominant caste, able bodied, access to learning and earning opportunities (even from the safety of home), having the luxury of being born with non intrusive parents, having my loved ones alive and able bodied too. And even living in a democratic country which is not in an active war with another state. Being able to not worry about almost anything, I have also taken a step to make time for spiritual experiences, and in turn, am able to take care of my mental health well. Recently, during a conversation with a friend, I also realised that I was the pampered one among the two siblings and that must have bolstered my confidence early in life. Today, I live a healthy, happy, secure life. 

Efficiency vs Productivity 

I have worked in startups or in a startup environment almost all my professional life. Compound it with the typical culture in Indian organisations (non profit or profit making) where everything is urgent and important. In these years, while I have learnt immensely, something that I ended up also building up an unhealthy state of being constantly active, not at rest, at work and even outside. When I was finally able to unlearn it - after getting repeatedly burned out - I was able to make room for creativity in my work. There was a splurge of Ideas, opportunities to learn more and showcase abilities [across different communication channels at my end]. I realised that breaks are good and a must.

Less is more

Working at iTeach Schools exposed me to the idea of vision and goals. And I set that for my whole life and overdid it. There were innumerable goals for my health, relationships, work, hobbies, finances for the last few years. It did not work out and like I said, I burned myself out. 

The awareness was liberating, and a precursor to more peaceful living. To my mild surprise, letting go of so many unimportant things did not affect my well being and happiness, rather bolstered it. Today, I am able to attend to more heartwarming activities like writing, spending time outside home (essential since I work remotely) and most importantly, spending more time laughing, cooking, and conversing with friends. 

Being comfortable with my body

High and unrealistic standards of what good looks mean and what I should be constantly working towards, has been in my mind for a really long time. Content available in all forms and sizes did not help nor did a bit of bullying as well. Everywhere there were, and continue to be, chiselled bodies on display. Through spiritual experiences and learnings that followed, and constantly reiterating these lessons to myself, I have been able to step forward towards accepting my body’s shape and size and only worry about the consistency in nutrition and exercise. The journey continues.

Less is more - in friendships too

Letting go of friends who do not put an effort at all in the relationship or have drifted away on their own paths, was a lesson hard learned. There were some relationships that were incredibly heart filling and warm but that was only due to proximity or because our student lives were simpler. But times, people, circumstances, and priorities change. There are a few friends who have chosen to stay and my focus is to now nurture those. 

Love vs Attachment

I believe that love is the centre of our lives like the mighty sun in the solar system. The concept has been of extreme fascination for me. What constitutes love, how does it start, do you ever stop loving a person, how to forgive people you are/ were in love with,  how to make more room for love. I am always on a lookout for the elusive answers, but one thing I have understood is how attachment is not love. Letting go [of your wants, expectations, hurt from the other person and still holding the fort] is deep love. Acknowledgement and acceptance of others, their experiences and choices, is love. Taking care of yourself is the most important service or act of love to others. My parents are the shining example of it. Despite our differences in approaches to living life, choices about work, relationships, and especially with my orientation, they stand by me. 

My heart is full as I think of the community that I have nurtured for myself. They hold immense love for me. I am grateful to them and to the time & opportunities that I have to experience, learn and live well. 

The picture is from Dec 2022, when I was trying to soak the silence on a hill top at Lepchajagat, close to Darjeeling.

A Phoenix’s Flight

Composed this for a dear friend Komal in an attempt to capture her journey so far and the person she is. The concept and content was shared by another dear friend Adarsh. Both Adarsh and I have had the privilege to know, befriend and work with Komal during all our formative Teach For India (TFI) years. The conversations, exchanges and love persists. 

---  

A gentle, fierce creature, opened her eyes, cried out, 

born out of ashes, a struggle which so many like her

do not come alive out of

In a city, not without the battles of its own 

Her baby wings fluttered, though only in the cage 

With the bars of patriarchy, chauvinism, injustice

She learned, through observation, through pain 

And from her the bigger birds in the same cage, 

under their wing she grew,

shielded from the oppressors if only for a while

They helped spread her wings to their full might

In a flight to set the course of her journey

The maiden flight was to a city of riches and ravages alike

Where she saw many more birds, some free, many caged 

And experienced joy, love, thought - a life outside the cage

The fierceness grew, in service of others 

of big and small little creatures

Most from their own cages of poverty and hurt 

A guardian to them, helping them sprout wings

She also lived possibilities and security

With birds who saw the change of seasons as she

Caged or not, but definitely fellow travellers 

Soaring high and far, with her, nudging her ahead

But the flight was not without the obstacles

Stones were hurled, pain returned

no more just a fledgling, she lost few companions midair

Then our gentle fierce creature found 

a fellow soarer, a significant other 

She delivered a violent blow to the cage

And her fellow birds blessed and celebrated 

Braving all clippings, criticisms, our creature

Our phoenix has risen in another flight 

Piercing, and herself being the light

A journey determined by her own spirit

Guiding others in the cage to soar higher.

The beloved TFI school team, as a result of which we got to know and love each other. 

From left - Shefali, Adarsh, Komal, me and Varsha. 

 

The Guru Purnima Post

I have heard the term Guru Purnima a couple of times but it has never registered with me even in any literal sense. As a Teach For India Fellow, the meaning became clear, when kids greeted me with flowers and cards. A few days ago, on Guru Purnima itself, as the moon shone round and bright, I just took it to be a usual full moon. Until, a student called to wish me. It reminded me to do this post which has been pending for months. This post shall serve as an ode to the four Gurus who have impacted my life as I had not expected at all. I was just going about my usual business with and around them. However, the little and more time I have spent with them gave me many insights about how to lead a life well.

Amit Hans. I call him Master Ji. I adore and respect him the most in my life. An ideal man, my superhero. He taught me the language of life, how to balance emotions, how to listen to people, how to get others to open up and most importantly, how to smile. I have learned to be joyful from him. I have always seen him giving time to his students, understanding them, acknowledging their limitations and guiding them how to identify their goals and the necessary steps. I am sure I took him to my classroom in the past two years; I wanted to be an as able teacher as him. He was the only person who was happy and positive about my decision to quit my job and become a Teach For India Fellow. He taught me to care for others, acknowledge their beliefs, how to support others and how to always wear a smile. 

Vandana Sandhir. She is the head of the public relations firm where I was working before I joined Teach For India. She taught me the language of work. I have set high standards of professionalism for myself after working with her. She is and will continue to be my favourite leader. I learned from her to look ahead, have a plan B, be humble, grateful and how to support people in the team. I have hardly seen her let go of her composure in times stressful. She gave me and my manager ample space to grow and manage the business in our city. She once mentioned that work never ends and one has to take care of self – something that ever since become my mantra. She hired me with little experience in the industry. I will never forget how she, the country head, patiently helped me write my first press release which was initially bad – a moment etched in my memory and the basis for each time I have to guide someone else. 

Supratip Banerjee. Anyone who is close enough to me is aware of the impact the guy has had on me. He teaches me, every day, the language of love and how to do it effectively. I have seen him balance his and everyone’s emotions around him or connected to him such dexterously, that I sometimes find it unreal and him a saint. He forgives, he cares, he rejoices in love. The love he has for his close ones, including me, is immense and something to be grateful for. To have him in my life is a blessing. He also taught me to love myself. Supratip is a loved man and he knows how to acknowledge that love. 

Ma Faiza. My first interaction with her was only a few weeks ago as I sat with her to cover her coming out story. She is a living manual in the language of courage. Her honesty, the casual throwing around of truths, her coming out tale. Everything is a reinforcement of my own belief in holding truth as the foundation of a relationship and operating otherwise. A brief interaction with her pushed me to strive to believe more in myself and choose my own way of living as the only way forward. 

What is common in the four of them is that are themselves all the time. They create a safe, comfortable space for everyone around them. They listen and ask for what you need. Their words and actions are worth the world’s wisdom. In the bittersweet journey, of all the kind and brave people I have met, they are the most kind, the bravest. I bow before them.

Monsoon Has Arrived

For a long time I wandered, 
I turned where curiosity pulled
Loss and lesson, much exultation
Sojourns turned into tales
Wide eyes, amused smiles
This lasted until last year when
One fine day monsoon arrived

I wander, at a new corner now
Pale to see the lips curve, moonlight
Dancing in the arms
Embraces wide, long and comforting
Yes, monsoon has arrived

I shiver with the eyes on me
Affection pierces me, stops my breath
I lay my head, on a soft spot
Calm ensues, anxiety ebbs
Monsoon has arrived

Dizzy by the meeting of our lips 
Hands interlocked effortlessly
I smile often, as I see other lovers
Soaked in joy and love
For me too, monsoon has arrived

An Encounter with Buddhism: Looking into the Mirror

Teach For India Fellowship has been nothing less than a blessing or a miracle. The people I have met and worked with, which includes children, in the last two years have molded my personality in a way I had not intended it to do. I had only envisioned the fellowship to be a launch pad for a career in the development sector. However, it holds much greater value.

Earlier last month, I was asked to submit an essay (a portion of this post) as a part of a job application. It gave me an opportunity to reflect back on the experience, which I will reproduce here. Around till the end of first year of fellowship, I have been very curious and also, frustrated without answers, about the meaning and the possibilities of life. A conservation with a friend alluded to the idea and she asked me to undertake an experiment. I was to attend a ten day Introduction to Buddhism Course at Tushita Meditation Centre, located among Himalayas at Mcleod Ganj.

The idea is to observe abstinence of speech, killing, stealing, lying, sexual activity and intoxicants for ten days while being at the centre. One has to adjust to keep silence, has to be gentle in one’s behaviour and sensitive to fellow course participants and staff, keep an open mind and adjust to the schedule. By shutting out the distractions of everyday life, exposing oneself to spiritual (Buddhist) lessons and teachings and sitting through time-determined meditation sessions, I found a set of answers that I was looking for.

It was subtle, profound few days on the hill. I got up early in the morning, before others, to ensure that I could get the washrooms unoccupied. I saw the light of the dawn peeking from behind the tall trees and in the glitter, I did what I like to do the most in the morning, read. The discussions, listening to the teacher and the understanding I have developed of the people by observing their eyes and smile (or the absence of it), took time and have become one with who I am.



I now observe existence to be a function of love, kindness, gratitude and grit. I realised what is important for me – my relationships, peace of mind and learning. I understand and feel affection with an open happy heart. Sometimes, I am quite overjoyed or overwhelmed as I notice the love people have for me and my heart stops. I have learned the importance of taking care of myself, it’s of much significance to have both mind and body healthy. I learned where to draw the line - at work, in my relationships, in my adventures. I have let go of unhealthy people, few addictions and habits. I have stopped feeling ashamed of my body's shape and size. I speak openly, I prefer to look in the eye of the person and say the truth. I don’t get easily outraged at people or during difficult situations. I try to understand my anger and control it. I observe how people respond, I analyse how and why of their actions, I try not to judge. With judgment minimised, forgiveness has seaped in me. I have learned to be a happier, calmer and kinder person. I love better.

A hand to hold as I sleep

Years passed by, as I
Mocked affection, warmth
Dismissed it, belitting
I didn't know what awaited me
A hand to hold as I sleep

I devoured bodies, wandering
From one street to another
Uncovering depths, not of kindness
Of unfulfilling pursuits; while all I wanted
A hand to hold as I sleep

Desires, dreams, demons mixed
A confidence falsely held
Tears kept in check
All the time, all this while, only
A hand to hold as I sleep

The hands I scratched, others
smothered and held
I knew not, it was yours
In which my nirvana lay
A hand to hold as I sleep

Living with a privilege, more than one

Last week, over dinner, a dear friend and we were discussing the daily travails that ails our hearts and the regular encounters of our aging selves. He remarked that I am leading a quality life. It was to be another affirmation of my thoughts, coming from someone else.   

The continuum of my miracles is even greater than I would be able to put down here. It clearly started once I was conceived in my mother. She was well taken care of, all the basic endowments – clothes, food, shelter, comforts, affection and more, made its way to her. Even before I was born, my grandparents started doting on me, depriving my elder brother his due share of love. He still stands today, by my side - the only one in the family privy to my true self – a source of immense relief.

Early as a child, my family decided to move out of Delhi and establish base in a small town in Haryana. We had a government quarter in cantonment area to ourselves, supplies in place, a clean, quiet environment to learn and grow in. The compound was huge, with trees laden with leaves and fruits.

In the school, I was a, or among the toppers. It allowed me excessive advantages to dominate other kids, keep my mouth flowing and question the ways of administering education. I wish I was more emphatic towards and cognizant of my fellow beings.

I wonder why my mother always asked me to choose a profession of my choice, she never expressed a desire for positions, designations, roles. All she ever wanted and she still does, is for me to be happy. I choose an overpriced course in a city away from home, I chose to leave a decently paying job to teach in a government school against my family’s wishes, I choose to spend time away from them with friends or travelling, I still choose to spend an amount on a meal in a fancy restaurant which my parents started their jobs with. Never once, they have flinched to make me comfortable, happy and feel loved. I am sure there exists no way to repay their affection and care.

I will quickly recount a portion of what I continue to be indebted for. Being born a boy – the life is so much easier being a guy in the country or otherwise – I will make a separate blog entry to thank my father for his Y chromosome. Getting pampered in the company of affectionate, human, guiding friends and colleagues throughout. To be able to always afford decent healthcare, flights to travel home or attend numerous weddings, attend film and music festivals, indulge in food and comfort. To have the space, time and resources to persue interests, observe the sun going down, step out at any time of the day or night.  

Also, being honoured with the opportunity to experience and appreciate human warmth and care. Being endowed with the understanding to share and receive love. Living with the third person perspective to observe and correct actions. Being a witness to a soul as it smiles, laughs and cries. To be able to count the number of shoulders on which I can cry on. I believe it is indeed a luxury, just to be able to count my blessings.

I spoke to another friend about three months ago. We had connected after five years and he asked me if my time is better than it was before. I will reproduce what I said – life pehle bhi achi hi thi, samjh bas ab aaya hai - life was the same earlier, a blessed one, however only now I have understood what I have.